


Angst Is A Lifestyle

by Aria_Lerendeair



Series: Aria's SH Bingo Fics 2019-2020 [9]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec just wants Jace to be okay, And no sleep, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Izzy is the best big sister, Jace Angst, Jace deserves nice things, Jace is still an angst ho, M/M, Magnus wants the both of them to stop being idiots, Multi, Rune Exhaustion, SO much hurt & comfort, Self-Harm in the form of Rune Overuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22871020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria_Lerendeair/pseuds/Aria_Lerendeair
Summary: Jace is in deep.  He knows it and the last thing he wants is for Alec and Magnus to risk their healing by trying to help him.  So he decides to pull back, keep his head down and focus on his job.Because that's all he has left.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Unrequited Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Unrequited Magnus Bane/Jace Wayland, Unrequited Magnus Bane/Jace Wayland/Alec Lightwood
Series: Aria's SH Bingo Fics 2019-2020 [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595839
Comments: 28
Kudos: 313





	Angst Is A Lifestyle

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Bingo Fill for: Forbidden Love 
> 
> This is the last installment prior to the fics being outright Malace - so please keep that in mind going forward!

"Where are you off to?" Isabelle called, watching as Jace headed for the doors of the Institute. "Didn't you just get off patrol?" 

Jace stopped and cleared his throat. "Yeah. Just going out." 

She raised her eyebrows and gave him a knowing look. "Book club?" 

Jace rolled his eyes and shook his head before heading out the front door. The last thing he needed was Isabelle figuring out where he was spending his nights. Thankfully he didn't get caught most of the time. Being Institute Head kept her busy and distracted. 

It didn't take long to make it to Brooklyn, and Jace traced the familiar steps, his heart pounding uncomfortably in his chest. Two weeks since he'd been dragged to the loft by Alec and Magnus and now this had become an almost a nightly ritual. It was a matter of time before the two of them told him to stop barging in, but he couldn't help it. 

Jace was in front of the doors, hesitating, when they swung open all on their own. He rolled his eyes and stepped in, looking around, blinking in surprise when he didn't see Alec or Magnus. "Alec?" No immediate answer. He frowned. "Magnus?" 

There was still no answer. He hunched his shoulders and pulled a seraph dagger out of his boot, quickly searching the loft for anyone else, but he didn't see anyone. Of course, that didn't mean anything, but... 

Jace took a deep breath and put the knife back into his boot, pulling out his phone. A quick press of a button and he had the phone back to his ear, glancing around, keeping an eye on the place. 

"Jace! To what do I owe the pleasure of such an early phone call? Are you all right?" 

Magnus' voice sounded happy and cheerful, so that meant everything was probably okay. "I, uh. Yeah. I think so?" 

"You don't so sure," Magnus said, his voice turning serious. "Is something wrong?" 

"I..." Jace swallowed and looked back towards the door. "I came over to, to the loft. To see you guys. And the door opened. But it normally only does that when you're here and you magic it open. Is, is there someone else here?" 

Magnus blinked and briefly pinched the top of his nose, his cheeks turning red. "No, no, there's no one there. You're more than welcome. My magic, my wards, they recognize you." 

Jace blinked and took a second to digest that, swallowing hard. "They...do?" 

"Of course they do," Magnus' voice softened. "Jace, my wards have always recognized you. Granted you didn't have carte blanche entrance access like you do now because you cockblocked Alec and I one too many times-" 

"I get it, I get it," Jace said, waving a hand, pushing his fingers through his hair. "So what changed?" 

Magnus hesitated before clearing his throat. "You need it now." 

The gentleness with which Magnus made that statement made him want to spin away and spend several hours destroying a punching bag until his hands ached. "I'm intruding. I'll go. You, you don't need to do that." 

"Jace," Magnus said, his voice firming up. "I told you once I wouldn't purposefully bullshit you. You believed me then. Do you believe me now?" 

Jace rolled his eyes. "Of course I fucking do. Why?" 

"You have carte blanche entrance access because you need it, and because I want you to have it," Magnus amended, clearing his throat. "It's not something I felt like I had to do. I wanted you to have it." 

"You hardly need me bursting in on you and Alec-" 

"Jace," Magnus swallowed and exhaled harshly. "This is not a conversation I want to have this particular second, but I'll be home in a few hours. Alec is going to be gone the rest of the evening, he's out vamp bonding with Simon." 

Jace tensed, clenching his hand around the phone. "I, I don't-" 

"I'd appreciate your company tonight. If you're willing," Magnus interrupted, chewing on his lower lip. Maybe he was pushing too hard, but the temptation of not having to spend the evening alone was a rather lovely one, and Jace's company was far more welcome than spending it alone with his thoughts. 

"You sure?" Jace asked. "I don't want to pull you away from work." 

Magnus laughed. "You haven't noticed that sometimes I need to be pulled away from work?" 

He had, of course he had. But it was Alec's job to do that, to make sure Magnus didn't overwork himself. Not his. "Of course. Well, I guess, hurry up before I eat all of your popcorn. I know where you have the good stuff stashed." 

"No you don't," Magnus said, giving an eye roll. 

Jace smirked, heading towards the kitchen, opening one of the cabinets to the left of the fridge. "Stashed behind all of your pretend potion ingredients." 

Magnus narrowed his eyes and hummed. "Crafty little shadowhunter, aren't you? All right, get that started and I’ll be home soon," he ordered. 

Jace fought down the urge to preen under the damn compliment. He grabbed one of the bags and headed over to the stovetop, pulling out a pan. The best kind of popcorn was never made in a microwave, and he and Magnus both agreed on that. He hummed and walked over to the fridge, pushing aside a few of the bottles of blood that Alec kept handy to grab the butter. At least Magnus had agreed to finally start keeping proper food in the loft. 

It was easy enough to start the popcorn, and Jace lost himself in working through the packet of kernels before the sound of Magnus clearing his throat had him turning around. He smiled. "Hey. You're back quick. You didn't have to rush back. I would have been fine for a few hours." 

Magnus strode into the kitchen, shrugging his shoulders. "I wanted to be back, and what I was working on was just a distraction." 

Jace raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh?" 

"I," Magnus rocked back on his heels and pulled out his phone, smiling a little at the message. "I didn't want to spend the evening alone with Alexander out. I find the loft too quiet without at least one of you, these days, despite my best efforts. If I'm working, I don't notice it." 

Jace nodded and looked back down at the pan of popcorn, sweeping out a few more popped kernels, putting them into a bowl. "I understand that." 

"I know you do," Magnus said with a smile. "Which is why I'm telling you that and not Alexander." 

Jace frowned and looked at Magnus. "You should tell him. He'll understand." 

"He'll understand, because of course he will," Magnus said with a wave. "And then he'll stay here until he's going stir-crazy." 

Jace snorted and rolled his eyes. "Sounds about right. So you need to find a happy medium?" 

Magnus hummed and reached out to steal a piece of popcorn, chewing it slowly. "I, not quite?" he frowned and thought about it, looking up at the ceiling. "I think what I really want is a schedule of some sort? Knowing when he's going to be here, and when he isn't?" 

"Ah," Jace said with a nod. "Yeah, I get that." 

Magnus nodded and took another piece of popcorn. "Of course, with everything different now, and Alec figuring out the vampire thing, there is no such thing as a schedule, and despite Alexander meeting with some of the local clans, he's still a bit..." 

"Ostracized?" Jace offered. Alec had mentioned it to him, a handful of times. How he'd be dismissed or ignored by some of the vampires he would meet with, because he was still a fledgling, no matter how good his control over his powers was. 

"The downside of hopping the fence," Magnus agreed, his eyes falling to Jace's hands as he continued to make popcorn. "But he's trying and he's going to keep trying until they listen. I'm worried that's going to take more fighting than talking." 

Jace shrugged and nodded. "You're not wrong, and that's probably what it's going to come to. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if Alec ends up killing a clan leader because one of them challenge him to some sort of stupid duel." 

Magnus pinched the bridge of his nose. "Please don't even joke about that, because it actually could happen." 

Jace laughed. "All right, and you know Alec would end up doing exactly that." He finished the last of the popcorn, added it to the bowl, followed by the melted butter, and the salt, humming before he brought the pan to the sink, rinsing it off. 

"Of course I do," Magnus said in annoyance. "But I also can't keep him cooped up here like a bird in a cage. He's still himself and he's going to go out and try to help people and he's just trying to figure out how to do that." 

Jace smiled, despite himself and walked into the main living room, settling onto the couch. "Why don't you talk to him about a schedule, then?" 

"Because," Magnus breathed, exhaling. "It's coming from a place of wanting to know when he's home and to, to-" 

"Magnus-" Jace interrupted. "I know Alec. He's not going to think that this is you trying to manipulate or control him. This is something that you need from your relationship. It's okay to tell him that." 

Magnus gave him a scowl. "Stop being so good at relationship advice." 

Jace snorted and rolled his eyes. "I'm horrible at relationship advice. I am, however, good at Alec advice." 

"That's fair," Magnus said with an exhale, reaching out to grab some of the popcorn, popping it into his mouth with a happy hum. "How'd you find my stash, anyways?" 

"Was looking for werewolf teeth," Jace said, stuffing a handful of popcorn into his mouth. When he saw Magnus giving him a look he huffed and stared at the TV, that had magicked itself on. "What? Crushed up and added to a protein shake, they're good for digestion. I thought you might have some extras." 

When Magnus burst out laughing, the sound happy and joyful, Jace couldn't help staring. His heart turned over painfully in his chest as Magnus grinned at him, golden eyes on full display and all of the tension and worry gone from him for a brief minute. 

"I'll make sure to keep some on hand for you," Magnus said, grinning again, giving Jace a pat on the arm, turning back to the television. "Now, what do you feel up to watching?" 

"Let's watch that fashion show you like. I want to see if that petty asshole got kicked off yet," Jace said, glancing over at Magnus. 

Magnus grinned and snapped his fingers. "Project Runway it is!" 

~!~

It was edging close to dawn when Jace heard the key turn in the lock of the loft and he looked up to see Alec stepping through the door, a smile on his face. Jace tensed, hoping that Alec wouldn't be upset to find he and Magnus curled up on the couch together. Except when Alec came around the door and caught sight of them, he froze and Jace bit down on his lip, waiting for the anger coming his way. 

Jace didn't hear Alec approach and didn't realize how close Alec was, until his parabatai was kneeling next to them, reaching out to comb his fingers through Magnus' hair, where Magnus' head was smushed into Jace's chest. He swallowed and tried to whisper. "Alec-" 

"Shhh," Alec said, shaking his head. "Want to help me get him to bed?" 

Jace nodded, glad when Alec picked Magnus up easily, even though he immediately missed the weight of Magnus pressed against him. He quickly cleaned up the popcorn bowl and the wine glass that Magnus had summoned for himself and took them into the kitchen, washing them clean before leaving them in the drying rack. He wanted nothing more than to go and join Alec and Magnus in their room, but after tonight, after remembering how much he loved having Magnus in his arms, it would be better if went, went back to the Institute. 

"Jace?" Alec called, stepping back into the living room. 

"You know where I am, you don't need to pretend," Jace called back, snorting as he put the bowl into place. "I know you can hear my heartbeat." 

Alec snorted and stepped into the kitchen. "It's rude to assume. I'm trying to be polite. Making all these assumptions, or thinking that I know what I can hear, or smell, they aren't always, you know, the truth." 

Jace raised both of his eyebrows and grinned at Alec. "You, learning tact?" 

"Shut up," Alec grumbled, glaring at him. "You know I was always better than you at that. You were just able to flirt your way out of trouble better than I could." 

"You're not wrong," Jace said, giving him another wink before his expression turned more serious. "But, is Magnus okay?" 

Alec's expression shot to concerned in the space of a second. "Did he tell you something is wrong?" 

Jace blinked. "I, no, not in so many words. But he was saying he..." he cut himself as he remembered what Magnus had confessed and winced. "Sorry, just remembered he asked me not to say and worry you." 

"Well, too late for that," Alec huffed, sighing as he pushed his fingers through his hair. "But he's okay?" 

"We watched Project Runway and ate popcorn. I think he's fine," Jace said with a shrug. "I think he'd been working too hard, or his magic was low, it didn't take him long to fall asleep." 

Alec pushed his fingers through his hair and sighed, tugging in annoyance on the strands before walking to the fridge, pulling out a bottle, taking a sip with a grimace. "We're having trouble talking, and I don't know why." 

Jace felt his heart stutter and he cleared his throat. "Is it because I'm around too much? I mean, you two probably need to just have a week or two without me there-" 

"No, no," Alec interrupted, reaching out to touch Jace's arm. He managed a small laugh. "If anything, things actually feel the most normal when you're here." 

Jace stuffed his hands in his pockets for sake of something to do, ignoring the sound of his heart shattering into smaller pieces. It didn't mean anything, it _never_ would mean anything. "But something's wrong the rest of the time?" 

Alec sighed and leaned against the counter, sipping his blood. "Not wrong? But not right, either? It's like the vampirism is the elephant in the room, but we both know, have accepted it, and we're trying to move on and-" 

"Alec," Jace interrupted, reaching out for his parabatai, pulling Alec into a hug, holding him tight when Alec crumpled into his arms, clinging tight. "Magnus loves you, and you love him. You're both going to be okay. But things are going to be different. They're not going to be like what they were before." 

Alec bit down on his lip, blinking hard, holding onto Jace tighter. "Why can't they be? What we had before was, it was _everything._ Now, now things feel like they could shatter if I say one wrong word!" 

"Listen to me," Jace said, taking a deep breath. "Things are not going to shatter. You and Magnus are going to be fine, but you need to talk to each other. And I mean _really_ talk." 

Alec swallowed and nodded, pressing his face to Jace's shoulder. "I know, I know we do. But what if-" 

"No," Jace growled. "None of this what if, bullshit." 

Alec sighed. “Jace, you don’t know about-” 

“What, the bitch in his past who turned you? You really think I didn’t go look that shit up, Alec?” Jace growled, tightening his arms around Alec. “You know you aren’t her, right? And you never will be?” 

Alec nodded against Jace’s shoulder. "Yeah, I know." 

"You know you're never going to take advantage of him, or hurt him, because unlike that She-Bitch, you actually love him, right?" Jace pressed, glad when Alec nodded again. He moved in close and pressed his forehead against Alec's neck, leaning against his cool skin. "You sure?" 

"I'm scared," Alec whispered against Jace's shoulder. "He didn't plan on having forever with me, Jace, and now that we do, what if-" 

"You're never going to know unless you ask him," Jace interrupted. "You're both torturing yourself with these what ifs. You have to stop it." 

Alec exhaled hard, nodding before he pulled back, reaching for his bottle, downing the rest of the blood before he threw the bottle towards the sink to be rinsed out another day. He looked towards Jace and sighed, pushing his fingers through his hair. "He was okay tonight, though?" 

Jace nodded and smiled. "Yeah. He said he was glad I was here to keep him company, but yeah. He was okay Alec." 

"Good," Alec swallowed, nodding. "Good, I'm glad. Thank, fuck, thank you for taking care of him. Again." 

Jace shrugged. "Think we're getting used to it by now." 

Alec huffed out a laugh, shaking his head. "Yeah, guess we're all trying to take care of each other, aren't we?" 

"Yeah," Jace agreed, reaching out to wrap Alec into another hug, squeezing him tightly. "So listen, stop overthinking so much and just spend a few hours with him in the morning. You two will figure things out." 

Alec's face fell. "You're not staying?" 

Jace bit down the urge to correct him, say that he would stay, as long as Alec wanted, to get that expression off of his face. Especially because he wanted to stay. He didn't want to trudge back to the Institute, have to ignore the looks from people who thought they knew what was going on, to curl up in a cold-

"Jace," Alec interrupted, reaching out to touch him on the arm. "Will, will you stay? Please?" 

Jace lifted his eyes to Alec and saw the vulnerability there and sighed, shaking his head. "Alec, it's not-" 

"Magnus sleeps so much better when you're there, Jace," Alec interrupted, his voice cracking over the words. "Please? For him?" 

_Fuck._ There's no way that Jace can refuse that. Not when his body was still aching with how much he missed Magnus curled up in his arms from earlier. And how much he wanted to not leave, to not have to be alone tonight. Jace managed to nod and gave Alec a quick one-armed hug. 

"Yeah," he agreed, his voice hoarse even as he let Alec lead them both towards the bedroom. "Just, just for tonight." Of course, that's what he'd said two weeks ago before he'd spent almost every night here since. No wonder Magnus and Alec were fighting, he wasn't giving them a single second of space. He'd have to fix that tomorrow. 

Alec tugged Jace into another tight hug, pressing his face to Jace's hair. "Thank you," he breathed, leading Jace towards the bed, glad that Jace didn't waste any time stripping down to his boxers and a shirt. He did the same and looked at the sight of Magnus on the bed, curled up in the middle, a sad expression on his face. 

Jace couldn't help moving past Alec the second he could see the expression on Magnus' face. He was in too deep, but he couldn't make himself walk away. He climbed into bed facing Magnus and immediately wrapped an arm around the warlock, glad when Magnus curled into his chest, nuzzling into his heart. Jace lifted his eyes to Alec, but his parabatai wasn't looking at them. 

Jace swallowed as Alec kept not looking at them before he climbed into bed, and something hot and ugly curled in his chest, even as Alec pressed in tight to Magnus. He was close enough that Jace could feel his arm pressed to Alec's belly. He closed his eyes and pressed his face against Magnus' forehead, hiding from Alec. 

"Alec," Jace whispered, only to feel Alec tense on the other side of Magnus. 

"Later," Alec shot back. "Sleep now." 

Jace nodded and closed his eyes, pressing his forehead back against Magnus' hair, trying to breathe soft and steady. Alec could probably tell whatever was going on with him by his traitorous heartbeat alone. He bit down on his lip and tried to breathe slow. 

They just needed to make it to the morning. Then he could slip away and Magnus and Alec could talk and he could go back to...back to whatever. It'd be okay. It would. They couldn't keep doing whatever they were pretending this was. 

~!~ 

Jace woke up less than an hour later when the sun started to properly peek through the curtains in the bedroom. With a quick look, he could see that Magnus and Alec were asleep and finally resting. He carefully extricated himself and picked up his clothes silently, activating a stealth rune the second he could so he wouldn’t wake up Alec. Clinging to his jeans and jacket, Jace looked back at the bed. Magnus’ hand was reaching out to the spot he’d been laying in. 

His fingers twitched, the urge to drop his clothes and crawl back into bed with them so strong he was almost weak enough to let it happen. But they needed to figure themselves out. And they needed to do it without him being in the way while it happened. Jace breathed in slowly, willing his heart to stop aching. He took one more look at them, soaking in the sight of them curled in bed, happy and peaceful. They didn’t need him. They’d never needed him. They had forever together, after all. A fairytale ending they both deserved. 

Jace turned away from them and quietly walked into the living room, tugging his clothes on quickly before he let himself out. His fingers lingered on the door after he closed it behind him as he remembered what Magnus had told him about the wards, about how they knew him, and how they’d let him in now. He reached out and pressed a palm to the door, leaning in. Maybe this was stupid, but...

“It’s okay,” he whispered. It was almost like he could feel the tingle of magic under his fingertips. “They don't need me anymore. They just need each other, like they always have.” Jace let his hand fall away from the door and stuffed his hands into his pockets, heading to the Institute. They’d never actually needed him, he’d just been there to help, because he knew Alec better than most. 

Jace swallowed and activated his glamour and his speed rune in the elevator. Once he hit the pavement, he started to run. Maybe if he ran far enough, it wouldn’t hurt so much. 

~!~

He made it two weeks. 

Two weeks of ignoring first Alec’s phone calls and texts, then Magnus’. Then both, then Izzy’s pointed looks when the calls and texts finally stopped. When Izzy’s looks started turning pitying, it was better to avoid them all together. Better to run until it didn’t hurt anymore. 

There was only so far he could run, though, and he knew it. Because while there were physical limits runes could be stretched to, they did have limits. A long time ago, Jace remembered telling Alec they needed to test and see what those were - so they knew what limits their bodies could be pushed to if it was necessary. For the first time in his life, he was regretting that knowledge as he burned the third stamina rune in less than eight hours into his arm. 

The barest jolt of energy ran through him and Jace took a deep breath, reaching for the coffee he’d put down on the table in Ops. 

“Jace!” 

Jace’s fingers clenched around the coffee and he looked over his shoulder at Izzy, where she was standing on the stairs, giving him a look. He nodded to her and went to turn back to the reports he was sifting through. He just needed to keep himself distracted for another few hours and then there would be a patrol he could join and-

“My office. _Now,_ ” Isabelle demanded, spinning on her heel and stalking away and towards it. 

Jace debated the merits of following her for the briefest of seconds, knowing that he wasn’t going to like where this was headed before he sighed and resigned himself to whatever he was about to be told. There was nothing he could do about it now. Jace clenched the table again before pushing himself upright, following Izzy into her office, leaning against the doorframe. 

“Come in Jace,” Izzy ordered, her eyes on him. “And shut the door behind you.” 

Jace sighed and moved into the room, shutting the door behind him. “Iz, this is about the Shax demons last night-” 

Izzy took a deep breath and put her hands on her desk, staring at him. “You are on administrative leave until further notice, on my orders. No missions, no patrols, _nothing._ ” 

Jace’s eyes flew wide. “What?! You can’t!” 

“I can, as your boss and Head of Institute,” Izzy said, her voice harsh and tight. “And if you decide to try to disobey this direct order, I’ll double whatever length of time you decide to try to take.” 

“What the hell, Iz!” Jace snapped, glaring at her. 

Isabelle grabbed a pile of folders off of her desk and tossed it towards the edge on the side Jace was standing on. “Tell me what these are.” 

Jace frowned and picked them up, flipping through them quickly. “My field reports? What’s wrong with them?” 

“Do you think I don’t know your tells, Jace?” Izzy asked, her voice gentling. She watched him tense and took a deep breath, forging on. “Normally I have to twist your arm to get them done - but here they are all done, perfectly. Not to mention, based on the sheer amount of reports, you’ve approximately doubled your patrols, and based on your normal duties, I’d say you’re sleeping, what? One to two hours a night?” 

Jace scowled and put the reports back down on the edge of the table. “So actually doing my fucking job is suspicious now? Fucking thanks, Iz, because that’s what I-” 

“How many stamina runes are you wearing now?” Isabelle snapped, interrupting him and narrowing her eyes. 

Jace scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Izzy, come on.” 

“Jace, if you lie to me, I will change you from administrative leave to a permanent suspension,” Isabelle said. “And I’ll remind you that I am intimately familiar with pushing stamina runes to the extent of their abilities. **Now.** How many are you wearing?” 

“Three,” Jace growled through his teeth, glaring at her. 

Izzy winced and took a deep breath, staring at him. “How long are they lasting?” 

Jace crossed his arms over his chest and lifted his chin stubbornly. 

“Answer me, Jace,” Isabelle demanded, watching his eyes flicker. 

“At least a couple-” he froze when Izzy cleared her throat, her eyes a demand and a promise all at once. Jace sighed and pushed his hand through his hair. “About an hour. Maybe less, now.” 

Izzy closed her eyes and forced herself to inhale, long and slow. “They hurt when you apply them, now?” 

Jace swallowed and nodded. “Yeah.” 

“You need to rest, and recover. Actually recover,” she said, lifting up a report. “You’ll go to Alicante tonight, under the guise of training recruits. You’ll actually host a training class or two while you’re there, in case anyone asks.” 

Jace let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He’d be in Alicante. Far from Alec and Magnus. He wouldn’t need to see them, and wouldn’t need to avoid them, either. He looked up at Izzy and nodded. “All right. When do I leave?” 

“Two hours,” Izzy said, staring him down. 

Jace wanted to laugh, but he was so tired that he felt like he could sleep for a week, maybe a month. He nodded again. “How long?” 

“However long it takes,” she said with a shrug, turning back to her reports. 

Jace frowned. “However long what takes?” 

Izzy pointed to the corner of the room. “However long it takes him to get trained and up to speed. You trained Simon, after all.” 

Jace turned and met Alec’s eyes and felt his heart stop for several painful beats. He clenched his hands into fists and looked back to Izzy. He could feel Alec’s eyes on him now and he tried to breathe through it. “No,” he whispered. 

“No?” Izzy raised her eyebrows. “No, what, exactly? Because you haven’t left us much choice.” 

Jace swallowed and lifted his eyes to her. “I’ll, I’ll go. Find someone else to train Alec.” 

“You think I want anyone else?” Alec asked. “When I could have my Parabatai train me?” 

He flinched before he could stop himself at the hurt in Alec’s voice. His heart gave a painful thump in his chest and he looked to Izzy, at the pity in her eyes. “Izzy, please.” 

Isabelle swallowed and looked to Alec, at the clear pain in his face, and then back to Jace. She walked around her desk and stopped in front of her brother, wrapping him in a tight hug. “You need each other,” she whispered. “You have to stop running, Jace. It’s going to kill you. It almost did me. I won’t let that happen to you.” 

Jace gave a small nod, pulling out of her arms. “All right,” he said quietly. He turned his head a fraction of the way towards Alec. “I’ll be ready in two hours.” He turned and headed out of the office, shutting the door behind him. 

Alec looked towards Izzy, the hard way she was blinking and back to the door. He sighed and his shoulders slumped. “This isn’t a good idea, Iz.” 

“Would you rather have him collapse mid fight from rune-induced exhaustion?” Izzy snapped. “He’s nearly there, Alec.” 

“Of course not,” Alec growled. “But forcing him into close proximity with Magnus and I when that’s the last thing he wants-“ 

Izzy exhaled and narrowed her eyes at Alec. “Do you three really think I’m that stupid?” 

Alec blinked. “What? No, of course not.” 

“Apparently you do,” she muttered, crossing her arms over her chest. “Considering I’m fixing  _ all _ of your problems with the same fucking solution.” 

“Iz…” Alec said, narrowing his eyes. “What are you talking about?” 

Izzy tossed her hair over her shoulder in annoyance. “Once again, do you think I’m stupid, Alec?” When Alec gave her a blank look, she sighed. 

"I'm serious," Izzy started, staring him down, huffing when Alec's look didn't change. "Alec, you know that I know Jace has been sneaking out to spend nights with you and Magnus right?" 

Alec bit down on his lip and turned away from her, looking at the side of the office. "Izzy, you know-" 

"Alec," Izzy growled. "I don't fucking care, as long as the three of you are all right. I love you, I care about all of you, and if this is what makes you happy..." 

Alec hunched his shoulders. "Izzy, you shouldn't even, even talk like that. That isn't what Jace wants. It's never been what he wanted. Trust me, I'd fucking know, okay?" 

Isabelle sighed and stepped around her desk, reaching out to wrap her arms around Alec, hugging him tight. "And trust me when I say that you were too close to him to see some of the things I did. You showed him that he didn't have to be everything he pretended to be, Alec." 

Alec winced. "I mean, but I'm married." 

Izzy laughed. "And you have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known, Alec. Do you honestly think that Magnus feels threatened by what you and Jace share?" 

Alec swallowed, because they'd had that conversation, more than once. Especially with some of the comments that Magnus had made about Jace. "I, no, I know he doesn't. But I don't want-" 

"Alec," Izzy interrupted. "You have to trust me that this is going to be what all of you need. You need to finish sorting things in Alicante, and Magnus needs you to be back on a schedule. Jace needs time to rest, and heal, and you can all accomplish the same thing and get what you all need." 

"That doesn't mean we're, we're going to, to..." Alec trailed off, the words getting stuck in his throat. 

"If you do, you do," Izzy said, her voice soft. "I don't care. I just want you to be okay. That's all I want." 

Alec sighed and pressed his face into her hair. "You're too good to us, you know that?" 

"I'm well aware," Isabelle said, grinning at him. "Now, get going. You need to tell Magnus what you're up to. Come get Jace in two hours. He needs some time to stew." 

Alec huffed. "Letting him stew is pretty much the worst thing that we can do right now, and you know that, right?" 

"Of course I do," Izzy scoffed. "But I also know if we don't give him time to try to pull himself together that he's never going to actually agree to go. I won't let him run." 

Alec sagged and hugged her again. "How long does he have?" 

"I'm serious about it being as long as he needs. However long it takes to put him back together. You and Magnus have finally started healing, and I think you need to help Jace heal too," she told him, leveling him with a serious look, her eyes narrowed. 

"All right," Alec agreed, pushing his fingers through his hair. "You'll be okay without all of us?" 

Izzy raised an imperious eyebrow at him. "I'm going to pretend that you didn't ask me that. Now, get going." 

Alec nodded and opened the door to her office, stepping out. He looked down the hallway and towards Jace's room before heading deeper into the Institute. He had a little bit of time to kill, and maybe he could call Magnus for a few minutes, explain everything that had happened. Jace wasn't the only one who needed a couple of hours. 

Alec closed his eyes and it was so easy to see how Jace had crumpled in on himself in a way that he hadn't done in years when he'd been ordered to spend time with them. It made his heart ache in a way that he hadn't been sure was still possible. He hurried towards the roof, and ducked under the looks from other shadowhunters. 

~!~

Jace slammed his bedroom door shut behind himself and put a soundless rune on the door, followed by a locking rune and sat down on the edge of the bed. He dropped his head, pressing his knuckles into his eyes, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. How was he supposed to do this, how was he supposed to be able to handle any of this? 

He was going to have to spend weeks, maybe even months, with Alec and Magnus, and having the two of them so close, and together like that, was going to fucking torture him. Jace blew out a hard breath and resisted the urge to tear the room apart, to rip it to pieces until nothing but the shattered splinters of all of his stuff remained. 

Instead, he forced himself to his feet, grabbing a duffle bag from his closet and began throwing his clothing into it, followed quickly by his weapons. A handful of things he'd been given by Alec, Izzy and Max, the few personal items that he allowed. The tattoo across his shoulders ached and he tensed, hoping that Magnus would maybe be willing to portal him back to New York for his appointments to get it finished. 

A quick glance at the clock in his room told him that it hadn't been long at all, and he was already done, his room stripped bare. Jace sank back down onto the bed and forced himself to take a deep breath, and then another. The stamina rune on his leg, arm and stomach were all burning, reminding him that though they were working it, was under protest and he had pushed them too hard and too far. 

When he finally tried to rest, he wasn't even sure he'd be able to sleep for long, considering how far he'd pushed himself. Jace sighed and scrubbed his fingers through his hair. Maybe Magnus would be willing to put him under. Just have him pass out until he wasn't tired and the worst of the exhaustion was gone. He looked at the duffle bag that contained his entire life and swallowed hard. 

He could manage this. He'd managed so many other things. He'd managed coming to live with the Lightwoods, knowing that Alec was in love with him, Clary as his sister, and being murdered by Valentine, all of it. He'd survived all of it and come out on the other side. This was just one more thing for him to survive. And he'd manage it. He _would._ He was strong, and he knew how to avoid the both of them. They'd stop chasing after him eventually. He wasn't worth it. He was never worth that sort of effort. 

Jace lost track of time, breathing slowly, in and out, that when the knock at his door came, he blinked in surprise. He looked up at the clock and saw that it was right. It had been two hours. He forced himself upright and opened the door, looking up at Alec. 

"Ready?" Alec asked, swallowing. "Magnus is gonna summon a portal for us so you don't need to worry about walking past everyone." 

Jace nodded and turned his back on Alec, picking up the duffle bag before he nodded. "Ready," he called, keeping his back to Alec. 

"Do you need anything else?" Alec asked, watching how tense Jace's shoulders were before he shook his head again. His heart ached at the sight and he sighed, pulling out his phone to call Magnus. 

"You ready?" Magnus asked as soon as he answered the phone. 

"Yeah," Alec said, well aware that Magnus would pick up on how subdued his tone was over the phone. "We're in Jace's room." In another second there was a portal on the far side of the room. Alec looked up and Jace was already stepping through it. 

He looked around the room once more before following Jace into the portal, praying that Izzy was right and that this wasn't going to end up tearing them apart. 

~!~ 

The feel of the wards settling around his shoulders the second he stepped into the loft shouldn't have felt like coming home. It shouldn't have felt like they missed him and that they were glad to have him back, where he belonged. Jace flinched and didn't look at Magnus, keeping his eyes on the floor. "I'll be in my room if anyone needs me," he told Magnus, tightening his hand on his duffle, walking away from him. 

Magnus looked to Alec the second he stepped through the portal and caught the pain, even as Jace turned the corner down the hallway. He spelled the air around them and stepped in close to Alec. "What on earth happened, Alexander?" 

Alec swallowed hard and wrapped his arms around Magnus, pressing his face into Magnus' neck, holding onto him tightly. "He's agreed to come to Alicante, to, to maybe train me. To recover." 

Magnus exhaled, a small part of the tension falling out of him. "I've never seen him look like that." 

"I haven't either," Alec breathed, tightening his hold on Magnus. "I don't know how to help him Magnus. He didn't want to go. He didn't want to help me, he asked Izzy to find someone else to train me. I don't want anyone else." His eyes widened and he stuttered, yanking himself back a few inches to stare at Magnus. "I, I mean, I don't, I, fuck, that's not what I-" 

"Alexander," Magnus interrupted, pressing a finger to Alec's lips. "I know. I promise I do, darling. Deep breath for me now." 

"I don't need to breathe," Alec said, his voice grumpy, even as he did exactly what Magnus had said, the familiar sensation comforting him, so he did it again. 

"Yes," Magnus agreed. "But we've also discovered that vampires are not immune to panic attacks, so please do me a favor and don't showcase just how easily that can happen." 

Alec sighed and leaned into Magnus again. "I don't know if he'll let us help him. He's hurting so much, Magnus." 

Magnus blew out a hard breath, looking up at the ceiling. "I think a large part of that is the piece we aren't willing to talk about, Alexander. Both you and Jace need to have a conversation. A real one." 

Alec swallowed, fear gripping him as he stared at Magnus. "I, I don't want to..." 

"Alec, it's okay," Magnus soothed, reaching up to tangle his fingers into the hair at the nape of Alec's neck. "I promise it's all right. I've told you, you're not alone in that. You believe me, right?" 

"Yeah," Alec said, taking a deep breath. "I just, I don't know..." 

"And that's what we're going to figure out," Magnus said, smiling at him, pulling him in for a soft kiss. "Now, let's get dinner started, and then we can make the move. We're not staying at our old place, but I think the two of you are going to like exactly where we are staying." 

Alec blinked and raised his eyebrows at Magnus. "Oh? Then where are we staying?" 

"Your mother has been kind enough to lend us the Lightwood Manor," Magnus said, smiling. "Far enough from the city proper that we won't bother anyone, large enough for us all to have space, and close enough that you can do what you need to." 

Alec breathed out hard, his shoulders sagging. He hadn't been looking forward to being in the middle of Alicante again, directly among the hustle and bustle and all of the looks he would receive. "That sounds amazing." 

Magnus smiled and cupped Alec's face, pulling him in for another kiss. "I know my boys," he whispered. "Better than you might think. I think this will be what we all need." 

Alec clenched his eyes shut and took another deep breath, trying to focus on Magnus. "Yeah, I think so," he agreed. "But I'm just, Magnus, how do we-" 

"Hey," Magnus whispered, pulling Alec in for another kiss. "One thing at a time. First step, getting Jace recovered. Second step, getting you trained. After that, we can figure out the rest." 

Alec nodded again and pulled Magnus in close. "You'll go get Jace for dinner? I don't think he wants to see me again tonight." 

Magnus huffed and pressed a kiss to Alec's cheek. "You should have just told me you wanted me to talk to him. You know that I would regardless." 

"Yeah, but this way you might be able to get food in him. You might also be able to, to heal him a little bit," Alec added, feeling Magnus' gaze sharpen and snap to him. 

"What's wrong with him?" Magnus asked, his voice going intent. 

"He's courting a severe case of runic exhaustion," Alec said, shaking his head. "It could kill him if he keeps pushing himself without sleep." 

"Fuck," Magnus breathed, looking up at the ceiling. "I'm going to have my hands full taking care of the both of you, with all of those self-destructive habits that you have, aren't I?" 

Alec gave a sheepish chuckle and pulled out of Magnus' arms, kissing him softly, groaning in annoyance when his fangs popped. "Yeah, but you love it." 

"I love you," Magnus corrected, pulling Alec down and into another kiss before he let a small curl of magic help the fangs go away. Alec sagged in relief against him. "Now, let me go help Jace. You get some blood in you. I have to convince your stubborn parabatai to crawl into bed with us tonight." 

"Good luck," Alec whispered, pressing their foreheads together. "I'll be out on the balcony if you need anything." 

Magnus nodded and watched Alec zoom through the house, grabbing two bottles of blood before heading back out to the balcony, shutting the door behind him. He took a deep breath and headed to the spare bedroom, knocking on the door. 

"Go away," Jace growled. "I don't want to talk." 

"Too bad," Magnus shot back. "Either you open the door I portal into the room." 

Jace clenched his eyes shut, taking a deep, annoyed breath. "You both fucking won. I'm here. I'll do what I have to. But leave me the fuck alone." 

"Portal it is," Magnus said, waving one into existence, depositing him on the other side of the door, leaning back against it with Jace's eyes pinning him angrily in place. 

Jace scowled. "Can't even be bothered to respect my fucking personal space now?" 

"Nope!" Magnus said, giving him a grin with raised eyebrows. "Absolutely no respect in the face of someone I care about nearly killing themselves." 

Jace scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Don't give me that shit," he grumbled. "You're just being dramatic." 

Magnus hummed and studied Jace for a long moment, taking in the tense lines of his shoulders. "When is the last time you put lotion on the tattoo on your back? Did it heal all right?" 

Jace scowled and glared at Magnus. "I had Izzy help me. It's healed fine." 

Magnus nodded and kept his eyes on Magnus. "Why'd you run?" 

"I didn't run," Jace snapped, glaring at Magnus. "You two needed your space and I gave you both that. You needed to figure your shit out." 

"And so we did," Magnus agreed. "However that didn't mean that we suddenly wanted to stop seeing you." 

Jace shrugged. "You needed me the hell out of the way. I got the message. It's fine. Was just to make sure the two of you were all right, and now that you are-" 

"Is that really all it was?" Magnus asked, studying Jace. "Is that it? You, spending two straight weeks with us, almost every night, curling up with us, so I had a heartbeat to listen to, and so Alec had you close-" 

"Enough!" Jace snarled, pacing across the room, grabbing his duffle bag, impatiently pulling clothes out of it, throwing them onto the bed for sake of something to do. "It doesn't fucking matter!" 

Magnus sighed and watched Jace continue to angrily unpack. "It does if it's the reason you're sporting as many stamina runes as you are right now." 

Jace tensed, his face shutting down as he stared at the bed. "Fuck you, Magnus." 

Magnus hummed again, staring down Jace, even as the shadowhunter refused to look at him. "You think you're too broken to be fixed? And losing Alec only confirmed that?" 

Jace flinched and tightened his hand around a knife, dropping it to the bed. "Go away, Magnus." 

Magnus exhaled hard. "I had intended to come in here and only ask what you wanted for dinner. I thought it'd be a nice easy question. Nothing that would make you angry or upset." 

"I'm not hungry," Jace said, scowling. 

"You're going to eat something," Magnus said, looking at him. "It can be whatever you want, but you need to start replenishing your strength." 

Jace sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "Can I just get the largest, greasiest cheeseburger you can find?" 

Magnus smiled faintly. "Yeah. I can make that happen. I promise that you'll enjoy it." 

Jace nodded and forced himself to take a deep breath, trying to calm down. "I'm sorry for snapping at you." 

"I might have deserved it," Magnus allowed, shrugging. "But I think that you and I need to talk. _Really_ talk, Jace." 

"About what?" Jace shot back, looking at Magnus out of the corner of his eye. 

Magnus let out a slow breath, pushing his hands into his pockets so they wouldn't shake. He felt Jace looking at him, curious, and took a deep breath. "Alec never told you who my father was, did he?" 

Jace blinked, frowning. "What? No, why would he?" 

Magnus laughed without any humor and rubbed a hand over his face. "Let's just say, you and I have a lot in common between Valentine and my own father." 

Jace's eyes went wide and he stared at Magnus. "Wh-what?" 

Magnus nodded. "My father is, was, Asmodeus." 

Jace stared at Magnus, at the way his posture was tensed, braced for a blow he thought was coming and stood up, frowning. "So that's why you're as powerful as you are. Why Lilith was coming for you in Edom." 

Magnus blew out a hard breath, afraid to lift his eyes to look at Jace. "Yes, that's why." 

"Huh," Jace allowed. "Yeah, you might give my fucked up childhood a run for its money." 

"I'm old, Jace," Magnus said, his voice quiet. "I've done a great many horrible things in my life. Most of them at the insistence and teachings of my father, but some of them I have done because I am the son of a Greater Demon." He looked up at Jace and found the other shadowhunter looking at him. 

"When I tell you that I have done cruel things without regret, it is not a lie, and I have spent a large part of my life trying to make up for those that I hurt and those things that I did," Magnus continued, looking away from him and towards the wall. "So please understand, when I tell you this, it is not with the intent of dismissing your own struggles, but with the intent of telling you it is possible for someone else to understand." 

Jace hung his head and sighed. "You have enough shit to deal with with everything that you and Alec have been through - you hardly need to carry my baggage as well, Magnus." 

Magnus stepped closer to Jace, reaching out to touch him on the arm, giving him a gentle squeeze. "You need to understand that we want to. Both Alec and I cannot stand to see you hurting, Jace." 

Jace flinched, looking away from Magnus. "You should, you shouldn't worry about me. You, you-" 

"We," Magnus interrupted, reaching out to pull Jace into his arms for a quick hug. "Want you here, and want you to be all right, Jace." 

Jace clenched his eyes shut and tried not to sag into Magnus' arms, but he was so fucking tired, and all he wanted to do was curl up and sleep for hours here. "I'll be fine." 

"I know," Magnus whispered, reaching up to rub at Jace's neck. "I know you're going to be fine, Jace. But you're going to let us help. You're going to stop running. Neither of us want to see you dead." 

"I'm not going to die," Jace mumbled, closing his eyes, even as he leaned into Magnus. "I'm too good to die." 

Magnus smiled faintly. "I know you are, Jace. I know. And I want you to stick around to irritate me for a long damn time yet. So please don't be in a hurry to run away from us." 

Jace swallowed and let himself relax as Magnus held onto him. It felt so different from Alec's hugs, less possessive, but all the more comforting. Magnus understood, on a level that maybe even Alec couldn't. "I don't want to be the reason the two of you break. Or, or..." 

"Losing you would break us in a way we couldn't come back from," Magnus said, his voice quiet and certain. "Both of us, Jace. Alec and I. Neither of us can lose you, not so soon after what has happened." 

Jace sucked in a harsh breath, clenching his eyes shut. "Magnus, you know I can't-" 

"I know," Magnus interrupted. "I know you can't guarantee anything as a shadowhunter. I'm not asking that. I'm not asking you to be something you aren't. But you're pushing yourself, and you're running from something." 

Jace tightened his arms around Magnus and pulled away. "Magnus. It's better if-" 

"Whatever it is. It's not worth your death," Magnus interrupted. "So take the time with us. _Heal._ Hang out with Alec, hang out with me. Remember that it's okay to just be yourself." 

"Sounds like complete and utter boredom," Jace drawled, trying for a moment of levity. 

Magnus laughed and looked at him. "After everything that's happened in the last few weeks, don't you think we could use some boredom?" 

Jace blinked and stared at Magnus before he laughed, some of the tension falling out of his shoulders. "Okay, that's fair. That'd be nice." 

"Glad that you agree," Magnus said, smiling at him. "Now, I'm going to move us in a few hours. We'll be staying at Lightwood Manor, but I want to get some food in you first, and I promised you a cheeseburger." 

"Yeah, and I gotta," Jace sighed and took a deep breath. "I gotta tell Alec I'm not pissed at him." 

Magnus hummed. "I think he'd appreciate that. He's upset that you're upset." 

Jace sighed and pushed his fingers through his hair. "Before I do that, though. Can uh, can we..." 

Magnus raised his eyebrows. "What is it?" 

"Will you be able to bring me back for my tattoo appointments? I don't know how long we're going to be gone, but..." Jace trailed off. 

Magnus softened and nodded. "Of course, Jace. I'd be happy to portal you back. And you're not, you're not under house arrest. If you want to go into the city and see Izzy, or Max, I'll portal you any time you want." 

Jace sagged in relief and smiled. "I, that'd be great, Magnus. Thank you." 

"Of course. Now, come on. You have to talk to Alec, and I have some cheeseburgers to procure for you and I," Magnus said, giving a tug on Jace towards the door. 

Jace took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, heading for the balcony where he could see Alec standing. Magnus let him go with a brief pat to his shoulders and he stepped out, shutting the door behind him. 

When Alec didn't turn to him immediately, Jace sighed and went to stand beside him, bumping their shoulders together. Alec still didn't say anything, and his breaths were long and shallow, making him worried before he watched Alec sip a bottle of blood. 

"You know I'm not angry at you, right?" Jace muttered, looking over at Alec. 

Alec snorted and rolled his eyes. "Don't bullshit me Jace. I know what you look like when you're angry and you can't even look me in the go-hnngh," he paused and took an annoyed deep breath. "In the eye."

Jace snorted. “How annoying is that?” 

“So fucking annoying, you have no idea,” Alec growled, pushing his fingers through his hair. “You know we’re doing this because-” 

“Yeah, Alec,” Jace interrupted. “I know. It doesn’t mean I need to fucking like it.” 

Alec sighed and leaned against the balcony, looking down at the Brooklyn streets. “If you really don’t want to go, if you promise me to rest, to please, please stop punishing yourself, I’ll-” 

“Alec,” Jace said, stopping him again. “I’m going with you both. Just. Fuck, I don’t…” he sighed and stared out at the streets just like Alec was. “I don’t want to be a burden on either of you. You have enough shit to work through already.” 

“You’re not a burden!” Alec growled, spinning around to Jace, grabbing his shoulders. “I thought I got this through your head when you were younger. You are not a fucking _burden,_ Jace.” 

Jace looked up at Alec and sighed, watching his hazel eyes and the absolute intent and determination in them. “Alec, I can’t, I, fuck. You and Magnus need to be okay. I need you both to be okay.” 

“We’re going to be fine,” Alec said, looking at him. “We’ve got some shit we’re working through. But we need your help to do it. And you need to start believing the two of us when we say that to you.” 

“I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to help,” Jace said, rolling his eyes. “You have both always figured shit out.” 

Alec sighed and looked back towards the loft and then back to Jace. “We don’t always. You think we would have gone through half of the shit we did if we figured things out? We fuck up on our own just as much, Jace.” 

Jace sighed and shook his head. “Alec, look, whatever you think I can do, or, or, fucking help with, I promise that it’s only going to make things worse. I’ve learned that.” 

Alec bit down the immediate protest and stared Jace down. When no further words seemed to be coming, he took a deep breath and focused on Jace again. “I don’t want you to believe that, but I’m not going to be able to convince you otherwise right now. So how about you agree to focus on healing, and then training me?” 

Jace took a deep breath, holding it for a few beats before exhaling. He nodded slowly, then with more certainty. “Okay. _That._ That I can do. Train you and heal.” 

Alec relaxed and reached out to wrap an arm around Jace’s shoulders, pulling him in for a hug. “Yeah,” he agreed. “We’re gonna be okay, Jace. All three of us are going to be okay.” 

Jace wrapped both of his arms around Alec, letting himself sag into a hug that was more familiar than any other, closing his eyes. “You promise?” he whispered into Alec’s shoulder. 

Alec pressed his head to Jace’s hair and took a slow, deep breath. This close he could smell the alluring scent of Jace’s blood, but he ignored in favor of pressing closer to Jace. “I promise,” he whispered back. “And you know damn well I always keep my promises.” 

Jace sighed and leaned into Alec. He did know. All too well. He’d just have to hope that when everything became too much, or he was too much, that Magnus and Alec would let him know. Maybe they’d even be gentle with it and he’d be left to nurse a broken heart in peace. If there was one thing he was certain of, moving in with Alec and Magnus, spending endless amounts of time around them, it was that he was going to end up with his heart broken. 

But at the very least, he could try to enjoy the ride there. 

**Author's Note:**

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